You may recall from my last post that I began an intention to “To set aside scared time for myself to heal, learn grow, and to manifest the desires of my heart.” This came on the heels of a bout of crushing self consciousness. So I started to formulate for myself a new routine.
One morning, I was working through a self assessment of what blocks were in my life preventing me from achieving my heart’s desire. I wasn’t prepared for what came up.
Growing up I had always seen myself as a victim. I was bullied, hit physically at times, and was told more what was wrong with me and needed changing than what I was good at. I fantasized that I would one day be rescued. I never knew I had the power to be my own hero and rescue myself. As a result, what I went through changed me in a deep and fundamental way. I’d grow up with crushing self consciousness. It’s not something I was always aware of but it developed over time. I had always wondered why I had it and now I know.
I felt so annoyed. I’ve gone through this so many times with myself. Letting go of the past and moving forward. It seems, however, I had one more lesson to learn. Man! Why can’t I just learn it already and be free!!! Seriously, it’s frustrating when you’re making progress only to be knocked back down by no one but yourself!
This block was not revealed without an answer though. I love that! God/the universe will always provide an answer of our healing if we are open and listening. The answer for me?
The crushing self consciousness, me focusing on a part of my body I think is aging for example, ushered in sheer panic. Thoughts of “Oh my god, people are going to reject me now. I’m going to look horrendous. Who will listen to someone like this.” And so the thoughts would spiral out of control. I would then fear looking at myself in the mirror. All this would happen in just minutes!
How on earth could I accept myself aging when I was still learning to accept myself from 20 years ago!
And that’s the fundamental effect bullying and lack of love has on you. That it forms your perception of both yourself and how you view the world as you grow. You try to fit in so as not to make yourself a target. But that only causes you to die within. It suppresses who you truly are. If it’s not a system you try and fit into, it’s the media’s portrayal of what we should look like.
This is where the key of self-love comes in. A key that brings freedom. If I know that I am deeply loved, like everybody else, by God/the universe, created out of love, I have my starting point. Receiving that love, and going on to be my own best friend and even mother to my inner child I begin to heal and become empowered and set free! Because to love every part of myself as I am is a very empowering and liberating thing. So now, each day I will incorporate into my routine exercises, like the mirror work I was doing, that will grow love for myself, which will in turn cause me not to fear rejection or judgement and equip me better to handle it.
But what does self love look like? In that moment you find yourself thinking there is an imperfection with your body, you arrest that thought, TAKE BACK CONTROL, be your own authority figure and tell yourself how much you are loved. March yourself to a mirror and say it out loud. Tell yourself that you will never let yourself down or speak negatively about yourself. Write down positive traits about yourself. Accept compliments from others. Go have fun. Enjoy life. Laugh. KNOW, just know you are profoundly loved by the vastness of the universe, by God, by something higher and bigger than yourself. In fact, know that the universe has your back! Always.
Life speeds by. Everyday counts. I really do not want to spend those days worrying and panicking over illusions, wasting my life. I want to empower and encourage others. And that is why I set up this blog. After today, I’ve decided to just share my journey as is. I don’t always need fancy pictures to share my story. So today I didn’t include any. I know someone, someday will resonate with what I have said and it is my hope that it will help them.
Know you are loved and are a remarkable soul with so much power and potential to change your world and bring your dreams to life. It all starts with you taking control and silencing the voice of the inner critic.